DE Foundation · The Purple Crown Project

The Purple Crown Project – Denial

Did you Know?

Abusers will deny & minimize their past violence by saying it is a lie, or their last victim is crazy, or that it wasn’t that bad.

Often times, a person will tell you exactly who they are, you just have to pay attention to them and the signs they give off early on. When an abusive person moves on to someone new, they will attempt to make themselves look like the best person in the world. This is typically normal for everyone. First impressions are everything right. Well the difference here is that for an abusive person this is key to reeling in someone onto their good side and not that other side you may not be able to see until it is too late.

When getting to know someone new, be weary when they are constantly telling you that their last partner was crazy. All abusers don’t deny outright. Some may admit their faults in their past relationships in a compassionate way but will counter it by trying to justify their actions. This is often where that crazy term comes in at. Major red flag that the whole story is not being told. Of course there are some crazy people out here, but 9 times out of 10 a relationship ends for a valid reason.

Be weary when they attempt to make everything about the end of the relationship being their ex’s fault. Yes, sometimes a person can be bad for you, but everything is never totally just one person’s fault. Even if cheating came about, there is a reason a partner may even cheat.

Be weary if a new partner of yours is constantly bringing up what their ex has done. When you’re apart of a new relationship, of course their past is going to come up from time to time and it’s great to know what they’ve been through so you’ll know what they don’t want in their new relationship. It’s not good when your partner is festering on that past relationship and the problems they went through on a consistent basis. One, they’re living in the past and comparing their past relationship to yours now. Two, they’re looking for you to be sympathetic with them as a way to get you to do whatever they say do, or whatever they say not for you to do.

The denial process of an abusive partner show that they aren’t living in reality. To them, they are an angel from Heaven who could never do anything wrong to anyone. Everything is perfect with them and everyone else is just out to get them constantly. This is not a healthy mindset to have as person, nor to have around you. Everyone has been bad to someone. Everything is not always another person’s fault when wrongdoings occur. You want somebody who will keep it real with you at all times.

You may even run into abusers who downplay their abuse to previous partners. They’ll tell you for example, “yes I hit him/her but it wasn’t that bad, I just pushed him/her onto the bed” when in reality they may have pushed their partner into a wall first in which they ended up landing on a bed after hitting that wall head first and busting their head open to where they needed to be rushed to the hospital. Another example would be “yeah I called her/him a bitch but she/he was acting like one so she/he deserved it, plus I apologized”. They may have called her or him out of their name but they’re not going to tell you that he or she called her or him out of their name every conversation they had along with the death threats that were given too. The apologies were only a coverup to continue the same verbal abuse.

I say all this to say that you should know the signs of someone who may have been abusive in their previous relationship and take the necessary precautions before pursuing them. If you’re already hearing rumors of this potential partner being abusive, whether it be physical, verbal or financial, you should make sure that you’re moving carefully with them. Most of the time once an abusive partner is on a roll of abusing people and have formed this pattern as a norm, the abuse will not stop just because you begin to date them. You can’t change people, they are the way they are because that is who they like to be. People can only change when they get ready to change. If we are taught more about the signs of abuse, we won’t find ourselves caught in bad situations as much and will be able to avoid them all together which could save lives out here.

Have you ever dealt with someone who denied their abuse in a previous relationship? Did you notice the pattern upfront, or later on down the road when it was too late? How did you handle it? Leave your thoughts and comments in the comment section at the bottom of this article, thanks for reading!

Check out some articles published on Medium from The Purple Crown Project:

For anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) now.

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